Identify Abusers Before Abuse Starts

To protect yourself from an abuser, experts say you should know the warning signs. It might make all the difference, allowing you to get out of a relationship before abuse begins.

Below are several warning signs, from a women's crisis service:

Before an abuser starts physically assaulting his victim, he typically demonstrates his abusive tactics through certain behaviors. The following are five major warning signs and some common examples:

Abusers can be very charming. In the beginning, they may seem to be Prince Charming or a Knight in Shining Armor. He can be very engaging, thoughtful, considerate and charismatic. He may use that charm to gain very personal information about her. He will use that information later to his advantage.

For example; he will ask if she has ever been abused by anyone. If she says, "yes", he will act outraged that anyone could treat a woman that way. Then when he becomes abusive, he will tell her no one will believe her because she said that before and it must be her fault or two people would not have hit her.

Another example; he may find out she experimented with drugs in her past. He will then threaten that if she tells anyone about the abuse he will report her as a drug abuser and she will lose her children. The threat to take away her children is one of the most common threats abusers use to maintain power and control over their victims.

Abusers isolate their victims geographically and socially. Geographic isolation includes moving the victim from her friends, family and support system (often hundreds of miles); moving frequently in the same area and/or relocating to a rural area.

Social isolation usually begins with wanting the woman to spend time with him and not her family, friends or co-workers. He will then slowly isolate her from any person who is a support to her. He dictates whom she can talk to; he tells her she cannot have contact with her friends or family.

Jealousy is a tool abusers use to control the victim. He constantly accuses her of having affairs. If she goes to the grocery store, he accuses her of having an affair with the grocery clerk. If she goes to the bank, he accuses her of having an affair with the bank teller. Abusers routinely call their victims whores or sluts.

Emotional Abuse
The goal of emotional abuse is to destroy the victim's self-esteem. He blames her for his violence, puts her down, calls her names and makes threats against her. Over time, she no longer believes she deserves to be treated with respect and she blames herself for his violence. For some survivors of domestic violence, the emotional abuse may be more difficult to heal from than the physical abuse.

Abusers are very controlled and very controlling people. In time, the abuser will control every aspect of the victim's life: where she goes, how she wears her hair, what clothes she wears, whom she talks to. He will control the money and access to money. Abusers are also very controlled people. While they appear to go into a rage or be out of control we know they are very much in control of their behavior.

The following are the reasons we know his behaviors are not about anger and rage:

He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.

If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.

The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.


There are also signs to watch out for child abuse, for both children and adults. A list from "Prevent Child Abuse America" that is used by educators to determine child abuse is below.

Experienced educators likely have seen all forms of child abuse at one time or another. They are alert to signs like these that may signal the presence of child abuse.

The Child:
· Shows sudden changes in behavior or school performance;
· Has not received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents' attention;
· Has learning problems that cannot be attributed to specific physical or psychological
· Is always watchful, as though preparing for something bad to happen;
· Lacks adult supervision;
· Is overly compliant, an overachiever, or too responsible; or
· Comes to school early, stays late, and does not want to go home.

The Parent:
· Shows little concern for the child, rarely responding to the school's requests for
information, for conferences, or for home visits;
· Denies the existence of -- or blames the child for -- the child's problems in school or at
· Asks the classroom teacher to use harsh physical discipline if the child misbehaves;
· Sees the child entirely bad, worthless, or burdensome;
· Demands perfection or a level of physical or academic performance the child cannot achieve; or Looks primarily to the child for care, attention, and satisfaction of emotional needs.

The Parent and Child:
· Rarely touch or look at each other;
· Consider their relationship entirely negative; or
· State that they do not like each other.
· None of these signs proves that child abuse is present in a family.

Any of them may be found in any parent or child at one time or another. But when these signs appear repeatedly or in combination, they can indicate an issue. That second look may reveal further signs of abuse or signs of a particular kind of child abuse.